Paul says that he learned how to be content with a lot or content with a little. While he was talking about material things, I can’t help but think it applies here as well. I believe that if we are content in our relationship with the Lord and truly believe we have worth because God says we do, then we would not get our feelings hurt or get angry, thinking “we don’t deserve this or we deserve better than this” when people don’t live up to our expectations in our various relationships.
Being constantly consumed with checking up on how everyone is treating me makes my relationships about me, not God.
Being selfish and being Christ-like is the battle between the Spirit and the Flesh. Being selfish and being loving are at war with each other. “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-” (2 Timothy 3:1-4) sums this up beautifully.
When we choose to be unloving, we are saying, “I love myself and demanding my way. I love protecting myself and thinking about me. I love those things more than I love God.”
When we are angry at our husbands for not taking out the trash or being late or being insensitive, we are saying, “I love having a clean house. I love my husband doing his share. I love demanding my own way. I love throwing myself a pity party. I love rubbing it in. I love making him feel horrible because he knows something is wrong with me since I'm killing him softly with my silence. I love being a baby. I love throwing fits. I love having no self-control. I love being entitled to being upset. I love all of those sinful things more than I love God.” When we choose our sin over the Lord, we are saying that God is only worthy of obedience (obeying His Word to love our husbands no matter what, to treat them kindly and with respect) when my feelings are not at stake. If obeying God is actually going to affect me or my feelings in any way, then no, God, you are not worthy of obedience.
We cannot love like Jesus if we are consumed with disobedience and selfishness.
It reminds me of that book, The Five Love Languages. It’s a great book, don’t get me wrong.
Knowing our love languages as friends or as a couple is only important so we can let God use us in more effective ways to communicate His love to them, not so we can make sure they love us the way we want to be loved.
Because we already know and have settled who we are in Christ and His great love for us, our goal in relationships should be “How can I serve you? How can I be a blessing to you? How can I show you God’s love?” Most of what we’re so upset about not getting from other people, we already have in Christ. We’re spoiled, always wanting more, aren’t we? God uses words like “lavish” and “abundantly” when describing His provision for us. Yet we will want to slit our wrist when just one mere mortal in our life doesn’t give us even more of the things we think we need.
Now what about being annoyed or irritated with someone? What about that? What if they keep doing us wrong?
What if our roommate never does the dishes when she should? What if she leaves the lights on when she leaves even though she’s been asked not to do this? What if she eats my cereal?
Can you hate her? Can you avoid her? Can you leave her nasty notes on the kitchen counter using capital letters and lots of underlining?
What if my husband does nothing to initiate communication? What if he never goes out of his way to make me feel special? What if he never compliments me when he should?
Can I be bitter? Can I never talk to him back? Can I sing “Earl Had to Die” but use my husband’s name instead?
No. Why?
Because being a believer means we have thrown away the idea that life should be fair, that life is all about 50/50. Being a believer means our circumstances and the behaviour of others around us do not in any way dictate our response or our behaviour.
In other words, my behaviour as a believer is contingent upon nothing else besides the word of God.
There is no place for “If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” in a believer’s train of thought. That thought process was derailed when we were crucified in Christ.
As a believer, we must realise that we are called to keep scratching someone’s back even if they never turn around and scratch ours or say thank you.
We are to keep loving and behaving in God’s honouring ways, no matter how others around us are behaving because that is what Jesus did.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
We hated Him. We were rebellious. We were awful and what did He do in response to our nastiness?
He loved us.
Thank goodness our behaviour does not change His.
We are to love others with God's exact agape kind of love, the kind that never expects anything in return.
So, there cannot be an “if you/then me” mentality among believers.
If my husband never compliments me, that does not mean I’m not going to compliment him.
If your roommate doesn’t do her share of the chores, it does not mean you get to not do yours.
If your co-worker lies about you, you cannot retaliate.
In order to practice these things, we need to constantly remind ourselves of our position as believers.
“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbles himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:5-8) Although He was God, He became an example of a servant to us, a picture of true humility. We should have the same attitude of humility and service that Christ had.
The true spirit of humility is “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3).
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